Owning Up

Last night's 2 hour and 45 minute concert 'Salon Petersburg' to spite individual opinions of personal performances was overall a success. 30 students sang art songs and arias by Russian composers such as Tchiakowsky, Rimsky-K, Rachmaninoff, and others. There was singing, drama, choreography, ballet, and narrations- quite a production in retrospect.

Dancing buddies! Dorota i Artur

Kris, Dorota, i Irina

Dorota i Lev- the best!


I didn't feel too-too nervous, but never completely comfortable with lyrics and diction while on stage to spite loads of preparation. I think the emotion came through though, and frog eyes says that emotion is 50% of singing. Nevertheless, it is done, over with, finito, and for whatever it was, I know I gave it my best. No need to throw a temper tantrum over not-so-great phrasing here, dynamics there, tense breathing, etc. But I'll tell you what, I know for sure I am in the company of artists because I have never witnessed such drama after a performance as I did last night. The lady shall remain nameless. She is a beautiful girl and has a great voice- coloratura, my dream. She sang an aria from some Prokofiew opera... Queen something of another, I don't remember. While she was singing, I was just in awe of her, and I was praying for her too because during rehearsal the day before she was having memorization problems. I sensed at one moment of her performance uncertainty, but then it seemed like she quickly rebounded and finished with a bang- she even got an applause. She walked off the stage, ripped down her hair, threw herself against the wall throwing a temper tantrum and started to cry. Not real tears, but this whining bit. Well, that just destroyed everything she just did out on the stage for me. I had no idea there was any problem with her performance- and you know how critical I am! She continued acting in this manner for 20 minutes while everyone under the sun tried to comfort her, and ended the sharade by devouring a chocolate bar and sulking until the sugar high kicked in, after which she laughed like a maniac until the concert was over. Heaven Sakes!

So I am a big believer in owning up to what you do and being proud of it when you know you have given it your best. I am not one to throw temper tantrums. However, not giving one's best and then holding oneself responsible can be a painful thing. Instead of a temper tantrum, I am a cry baby and that is exactly what happened to me in Opera Correpetition today. Polish class had gone ok, the sun was shining, my feet weren't freezing to the pavement, and though I was tired, I certainly wasn't over sung. So why the voice just wasn't cooperating this morning and why I broke down, I just don't know. I do know however that I haven't touched Exultate, Jubilate in a week and there is no faking those wicked cadenza licks.

I am the worst procrastinator when it comes to practicing for this class and today I had had it with myself. What the holy guacamole am I paying 6000 fudgy dollars a year for, anyway? Washing my hair in coffee water and missing my family growing up and growing old? Here I have the opportunity to learn music to my heart's content with an awesome teacher who can help me and play anything for me and what do I do instead? Well, I work, that's what I do. But I also fart around on the internet way too much and waste tons of time so I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I firmly believe that people are capable of achieving anything if they try with quality- we all could be Einstein! We all could be a Johannes! This is why when I am standing there squalking and squeeking away, missing notes all over the place, I know that the only person to blame is myself. This is why I feel like a looser and only want to pull out a magnum 44 and shoot myself in the head. When you really own up, when you are really independent and self reliant, there is no where to hide and no one to blame except yourself. So today since I didn't have the gun, I cried for 30 minutes. Poor Pani Cebulska! And then I felt really stupid for crying, especially since I couldn't explain to her why I was crying in the first place, and when I tried I only felt more stupid because I know how horrible my Polish is.

I thought to myself, maybe it really would just be better if I resigned myself to being a baby incubator. Maybe people are just not meant to compete on this kind of level- the Dolly level I mean, and all details that entails. How can God use an opera singer anyway? Isn't there something evil about that anyway?

Well, I finally got myself together and now I feel better. We have a few days off for Easter and I am vowing to spend it all learning music- oh and Polish- oh and Italian. Doh! But I am starting to question two pillars of the Dolly faith, and should I loose them, I am not sure who I shall be. #1: Maybe I can't conquer everything. Up to this point, I feel wherever I was I sucked all the juice out of the box and therefore conquered. There is still time to conquer those things when I haven't yet and I have tried to live my life constantly striving to defeat that which is defeating me. A basic Dolly pillar of faith. Is there truth to it? #2: Maybe faith, self confidence, and determination, no matter how big the dose, do not guarantee goal fufillment. We are our own worst enemy and maybe I will always be, and only ever was the one holding myself back. Maybe I was never meant to succeed from the beginning.

Or maybe, just maybe, I am at the topping the crest of something great and if I just try hard enough, work hard enough, give more, I will overcome and behind these seeming walls is something really great. Oh optimism- pure poison!